The recce trip
Okay – so things are moving on now, and you’re heading over to have a look at property and businesses. This time is vitally important. It gives you some much needed information that will enable you to make the right decisions for your future business.
Make sure you tell everyone your innermost secrets, both on the journey there… and when you arrive. Tell them all about how much money you have, and don’t be afraid to tell everyone your deepest darkest secrets. Because they are Brits too, they are automatically 100% trustworthy and always have your best interests at heart – simply because they live in a different country. We Brits should all stick together eh!
This brings us onto your potential competition. Perhaps you are thinking of starting up a villa maintenance business. Just go ahead and ask your potential competitors about their pricing. It’s okay to pretend to be a new client of theirs – they won’t be bright enough to see through your clever ruse. After all, the fact that they are running a successful outfit and have been doing so for aeons doesn’t mean they know their industry any better than you (even though you’ve only ever put a couple of shelves up and cleaned a loo).
Oh yes – and nobody cares if you don’t have any formal qualifications in building (insert relevant trade here)… as nobody really has that here anyway. People are happy for you to build an extension on their luxury villa if all you’ve done before is pop up a shelf or two, and paint a few walls. Easy innit?!
It doesn’t matter that you are only in the place for a week – that is more than enough time for you to fully research all aspects of a new life. Of course, this is all very tiring… so if you only dedicate one or two days to it, and spend the rest of your time by the hotel pool – that’s great! It will be exactly the same as if you were living there anyway!
Arriving at your new home in Spain
Congratulations! You have made it! Now is the time for you to settle into your new home and start your new business. If you have bought a bar, go ahead and run up massive credit lines with suppliers (hey – you’ll be able to pay it all off once the money starts rolling in)… and undercut all the other bars around you – they won’t mind… we’re all Brits together and are happy to let you take food off our table by your half-hearted attempts at a new “game”.
Feel free to shout your mouth off to anyone who will listen about how bloody fantastic you are, and how you will be a millionaire within five years.
Don’t bother advertising your business anywhere remotely useful – once people have been to your new gaff once, they’ll do all your publicity for you and will be telling everyone what a top person you are. Just whip up a Facebook profile using the name of your business (yeah, it’s against Facebook policy to do that rather than set up a “Page” but you know best) and start spamming every group you can find. You know all there is to know about online marketing of course because you read that ebook last week about how to go from “Zero to Hero: With No Effort At All”.
Before we get another barrage of complaints from Daily Mail readers with no sense of humour – let us just point out that this is a humorous article and is not meant to be taken seriously.